GIFTED ARTISTS WALLOW IN OBSCURITY!

You know what's an underappreciated occupation? I'll give you a hint: these people work at tabloid publications (tabloid magazines/newspapers, and no, I'm not talking about CNN again).

The article writers? Gawd no - they stink. OK, that might be unfair coming from a guy who can barely keep a fluffy blog going. Then again, I can read, and by the authority vested in me as a human who can read, I deem that tabloid writers mostly stink (I was just bedridden for almost two months; trust me on that one).

The photographers? No, they get plenty of recognition, albeit it mostly negative. Still, the paparazzi are often in the news themselves these days. Heck, there was even a movie made recently about a celebrity who seeks revenge on the lowlife devils. The movie bombed, possibly indicating that the general public doesn't feel sorry for celebrities, or perhaps proving beyond any lingering doubt that Cole Hauser, Tom Sizemore, Robin Tunney and Daniel Baldwin aren't big box office draws.

No, the underrated geniuses who happen to work in obscurity for tabloids are the people who match giant cover headlines with giant cover photos: the Photo-Headline Synergists¹.

Think about a typical tabloid's headline on the cover page. How about:

"ROBERT DOWNEY JR ARRESTED!"

Their attention having been efficiently grabbed, the reader now needs a visual. Trouble is none of the staff photographers were present at the scene of Downey's actual arrest! The audience might not know who Robert Downey Jr. is, or perhaps they simply don't believe your nearly accurate claim that he's been arrested. So what photo do you publish, hot shot? If you answered "any old picture of Robert Downey Jr, what does it matter?!" then you clearly don't have the natural instincts of a Photo-Headline Synergist.

What would one of these magicians do? They'd start combing through the nearly 12,000 pictures they have on file of Robert Downey Jr, and they'd find the perfect one; the one photograph that captures the raw emotion of the mighty banner above. Maybe it's a picture of a scruffy Robert Downey leaving a police station after posting bail from a previous arrest. Maybe it's a close up of Downey wearing a particularly anguished expression. Sure, he had that look on his face for only the briefest of moments; he was stepping out of a cab, only to be startled by flash bulbs and lenses less than a foot away from his face, and his face briefly contorted into a pained manifestation. But that doesn't matter: Robert Downey Jr. has been arrested and you need a picture of him looking like he has just been arrested.

Let's try another one:

"NICK CAUGHT CHEATING!"

We need a picture of a guilty-looking Nick Lachey. Or better yet, thinking like a true Photo-Headline Synergist professional, you want to publish a picture of Nick Lachey on the left, looking like a deer caught in the headlights and a picture of a furious-looking Jessica Simpson on the right. Perfecto! You've captured the essence of Nick having been caught cheating by his furious bride!

Here's an actual National Enquirer cover story I just saw at the local 7/11:

"INSIDE JEN'S $200M DIVORCE AGONY!"

Sure enough, a big money publication like the Enquirer isn't going to have any old hack on staff putting pictures to cover headlines. Instead, what we see accompanying the startling headline is a photo of Jennifer Aniston, apparently in agony, or something closely akin.

Surprisingly, the National Enquirer's online publication's standards aren't nearly as high. Here is the same story, but check out the picture! Does Jen look like she's in agony? Far from it. She looks cute, perky and almost happy. Hardly the image of a tormented woman in unqualified misery. Careless stuff; probably the work of a co-op student or worse yet, somebody who doesn't take their very important job seriously.

You'd think that these mysterious Photo-Headline Synergists would have to be characters with a great eye for people and solid organizational skills. After all, how many pictures does the National Enquirer Online have on file of Jen Aniston? Probably hundreds of thousands. You'd have to have an efficient filing system to be able to quickly snag one of the few pictures of Jen in agony from the majority of pictures of Jen in bliss.

If anything, the poor choice of picture in the aforementioned National Enquirer Online story, especially when compared to the parent company's perfect choice for the print version, should convince you that exceptional Photo-Headline Synergists do not grow on trees, and that the profession is one of western society's most underappreciated.

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¹ the profession is so underappreciated that I have no idea what it is called, or if it even exists, for that matter.